Wounds From A Father

Whew - Are you ready for today’s blog? Buckle up as I share a very sensitive topic with you.

My prayer for you: 

" God, as (insert your name) reads this blog, I ask that they will NEVER forget how loved, valued, seen and appreciated they are by those around them. May they always remember your word in Psalm 34:18 that you are near to the brokenhearted."

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Let’s jump into it, shall we?

Growing up, I’ve always dreamt about having that father-daughter relationship that I would see on my television shows. You know, that “picture perfect” relationship. I'm talking about that relationship where the father:

1. picked his daughter up and put her on his shoulder because she got tired of walking. 

2. kissed his daughter's knee after she scraps it on the sidewalk learning to ride a bike.

3. tries effortlessly to do her hair.

4. said no dating until you were 30 years old because in his eyes you were daddy’s little girl. 
   

5. told you how a guy was supposed to treat you.
   

Have you ever desired a relationship like that? Even if it wasn’t with your dad, perhaps it was with your mom, grandparents, or aunt where that  inner child longed and hoped to experience the very relationship you saw on television, yearning for it to become your reality one day. I know I did, and honestly, it was what I prayed for often. However, it didn’t pan out that way for me. I was heartbroken, confused, frustrated and angry. Oftentimes, I asked God why other people could have a relationship with their fathers and I couldn’t have one with mine. Little did I know that this would create a wound. That wound birthed rejection, and I started to feel like an orphan, unwanted by my father. I was afraid that the rejection I experienced with my earthly father would be the same that I would experience with my father in Heaven. It took me a while to realize that I was wrong.

Before we get to how I realized I was wrong, guess what? My father and I reconnected a few years ago, and I was ecstatic! The picture I saw on television was finally becoming my reality. Although it wasn't perfect, it was a relationship. I was finally getting the chance to know my father and wanted to ask him a series of questions. Some of them included: what his favorite food was, what movies and TV shows he liked to watch and when we could plan a trip to see each other.

I rehearsed these questions like a tape recorder playing the same thing over and over in my mind. I remember the very first time meeting my dad in my early twenties, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I wondered if he would accept me. Things went well, and I was excited about finally having my father in my life.

It was 2014, my senior year of high school, as I was preparing to graduate. I knew I needed to have a heart-to-heart conversation with my father. I wanted to let him know that his absence in my life made me feel unwanted, unloved, and rejected. The lies that the enemy had been feeding my mind became what I started to believe. Before talking with my father, I spent time in prayer, seeking God's guidance because I wasn't sure how he would respond. What I didn’t realize was that opening up and expressing my feelings would change the course of our relationship. After this conversation, my father decided to stop talking to me.

Eight years later, in 2022, my father and I reconnected. Things were going well until we had a small disagreement. I'll never forget it. I needed time to figure out how we could have a functional and healthy relationship. One Wednesday evening, I went to Bible Study, and when I got home, I prayed and asked God what I should do. I didn't want to stop having a relationship with my father, but I knew that how I felt mattered too, and a boundary in our relationship was needed. Before 48 hours passed, I received a text message from my father saying that it would be the last time I would hear from him. I broke down crying! The little girl in me was crushed because the one who was supposed to love me, take me to my first daddy-daughter dance and do so much more, was the same one who broke my heart.

Despite that, I decided to move forward! It wasn't easy. There were days when I cried and other days when I laughed. My therapist said, "Grief comes in waves. You will experience good days and days where grief will hit you. Allow yourself to feel." In facing this, I made the tough decision to set a boundary. While I love and respect my father, I realized that my feelings matter too, and it became clear that our relationship needed to end. The next time I attended church, I carried that weight to the altar and laid it down at the feet of Jesus ( 1 Peter 5:7). Why? Because to continue carrying that burden would only weigh me down, leading me to replay scenarios to see if something different would have changed the outcome.

This has not been an easy journey for me. There are some days when I still wish I could pick up the phone and talk to my dad, but I know that this break is necessary for me to heal. No matter what, one thing that will never change is the love that I have for my dad and the fact that I will pray for him! Although I do not wish this on anybody, it was through this that I was pushed closer to Christ. There were times when I felt like throwing in the towel and walking away, but God reminded me that He would always be there. He picked me up when I was rejected by men, drawing me into His loving embrace.

My therapist shared a few things to me in one of our sessions that really hit home. I listened to what she said as the tears ran down my cheeks. She said: 

1. "In the same way we give ourselves permission to grieve the loss of a loved one, we have to give ourselves permission to grieve someone who wishes to not have a relationship with you."

2. "We need the little girl inside of you to heal in order for the grown version of yourself to heal, Lalisha."
   

I wanted to share this with you to offer some words of encouragement. Though the actions from and words spoken by my father stung causing a wound, I remembered that my father in Heaven would NEVER turn away from me. He is Jehovah-Rapha ( The Lord Who Heals), and I asked him to heal my wounds. I owe it to myself to heal so that I can become the best version of myself. This blog was the most challenging one I have written so far, but I was determined to share this with you as a reminder of (Psalm 68:5).

If I could leave you with something, it would be this:

You owe it to yourself to HEAL! I know that it is painful and you think that it would be better if you just ignored the pain and continued to cover it up, but that will only be a temporary fix.

I can’t wait to see and/or  hear about how your healing journey goes.

HEAL SO THAT YOU CAN GROW!

Remember to Smile.Laugh.Dance.Pray - better days are coming!

Until next time,

Lalisha